So India won the World Cup Grand High Poobah Thing of cricket.

This, on my Special Scale of Important Things, rates about a 5673. Just before Liz Taylor passing away (just in case I haven’t been quite offensive enough to y’all yet).

What bothers me is not that India won. A lot of my friends are brown and I heartily support their love of the… motherland?

[research involving poking closest patriotic brown person]

Yes, motherland. What I don’t appreciate is bandwagon hijacking.

This is a terrible form of highway robbery, wherein ex-patriots heartily deny every spot of melanin in their lovely skin right up ’till the cock crows. Or the gold medal is awarded. Whichever.

PICK A SIDE/TEAM AND STICK WITH IT! (This goes out to all you losers who somehow gleaned that Spain was kind of good at kicking a ball around and started ranting about it last year. After you discovered there was a good chance of them winning a big award for all the kicking.) If you don’t care about the sport, don’t pretend to. If you hate India and everything about it, don’t pretend to support it just when it’s doing well. Is this a terribly hard concept? All I hear from half my friends for most of past 5 years is how horrible India is and how cricket is a waste of men, balls, and the wood used to make the bats. (Except for a few exceptions. You know who you are, Es.)

Now, suddenly, people I didn’t even know were brown have started peeling the whitewash off and started screaming ‘GOOOOOO INDIA’ every time I so much as look in their direction. And don’t even get me started about facebook.

My point is that whoever you are, wherever you’re from… DON’T BE GOL’DARNED TRAITOR FOR ALL YOUR LIFE AND THEN SQUEE WITH EXCITEMENT WHEN A BOLLYWOOD MOVIE MAKES IT TO THE OSCARS. It’s hypocritical and irritating. You can’t pick and choose your heritage. In any case, I think everyone should have even a bit of patriotism toward their own land, seeing as how its culture has contributed in some way to making your grandparents, your parents, you… the way you are today. Whitewashing won’t hide that. And neither will regularly badmouthing your country, your language, your culture, or your national sports. (Because it makes you look like an idiot. And I mean this honestly, regardless of your race.)

“The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers…” (The first person to identify that quote gets an e-hug. And possibly an offer of marriage.)

And to the people who go the other way and badmouth India DESPITE its achievements… DARN YOU ALL to HECK AND BACK. And then back to heck again, because we don’t want you here. You still look like an idiot. And probably are.

In conclusion, A-Z-N P-R-I-D-E. This message brought to you by Sesame Street. (And Budweiser.)

Anyone who tells me that Indians aren’t Asians are going to be getting brainwaves of murderous intent for the rest of the week. Try to find India on a map and then get back to me.